Oh trust is a tricky thing. It takes time to build and seconds to lose.
Why do we need trust?
Let's look at what it means first.
Trust defined by the dictionary as the firm belief in the reliability, ability or truth of something or someone.
It's this belief that is the corner stone of our relationship with ourselves and others.
To trust ourselves, we need to believe that we know what we are doing or that we make good decisions. For some of us, this hasn't proven to be true and the damage it does to our confidence and self worth can cause us to make poor choices in our decisions and relationships.
How to rebuild trust - we need to step back from the emotions we have assign to our life and examine the facts and our judgements.
Take a wild guess at what's top of my list. Yep, you've got it Mindfulness.
Everything begins and ends with this because as I've said before, if we are not aware of our thoughts and beliefs and how they influence our words and actions, then we cannot begin to change. To regain trust with mindfulness, we need to do the following.
Take responsibility.
Take yourself off somewhere quiet preferably with a pen and paper but if you prefer to visualise the process, that's absolutely OK too. (Just be careful you don't start getting involved in the film running in your head)
Look at what it is that you are unhappy with and then do the following.
Identify which people and behaviours you believe caused the issue.
Examine what it is they did.
Look at what you could have done to change the outcome. Be honest and take responsibility for your part in the situation.
Whatever happened, you have free will and until you take responsibility for not putting boundaries in place, not speaking up, not leaving, not questioning etc, then you are giving the power to control your life to someone else and you are assuming the victim position. (This is not a comfortable exercise and may be best done during a coaching session but it MUST be done if you are to make significant change in your life and relationships.
Accept it.
Find a way to accept the reality of the situation. What has happened has happened and you thinking that things should have worked our differently is contributing to your pain.
Understand that we are all responsible for our thoughts, words and actions (Mindfulness) and no one can make us do anything but we may allow a situation to develop because we were not equipped to find a way out. ( Again, this is something that you may want to work through with a coach)
Identify what you could have done differently or better and choose to learn from the experience rather than punish yourself for what you perceive as a mistake. You are not God (substitute your own belief system here) and you have no idea how one decision will impact on the rest of your life so you cannot possibly know if it was a mistake or the turning point that will lead you to greater things. But, when you take responsibility for your part in the event and choose to see it as a positive learning experience, then you are no longer the victim. You are empowered to take this pain and find a way for it to help you become more.
With each lesson learned, your problem solving and decision making skills will improve and in turn, if you stay mindful, you will see how your life is improving. This will build your resilience, confidence and self worth and eventually, you will come to see that you can now trust yourself again.
As for trusting other people. I would err on the side of caution. Be open with people, be honest with yourself about what you can expect from this person-and that should be based on an honest appraisal of who they are not who you would like then to be and assume the best will happen but be patient in giving them your trust.
Watch how they interact with other people, how they respond to stress or conflict. Whether they are open and honest about their feelings and beliefs.
Go slowly. Allow a friendship to develop, get to know them and them you and then go with your gut instinct and trust yourself and until you do trust yourself to choose good people give yourself time and space.
What to do when someone you know and love loses your trust.
Open communication transparency and time are the only way forward here.
Depending on what has occurred, you may never feel that you can trust that person again. If this is the case but you still want this person in your life, then the way forward is to find ways to manage your relationship with them though clear boundaries for both of you.
I hope you have found this useful.
As always, if you have questions, or you would like a no obligation chat about how coaching can support you, then please get in touch.
Chris.
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